Forever Lost

Scarlet sunning in the backyard. She couldn’t walk on her own, so the last year, Scarlet was carried everywhere. (May 15, 2023)

As the hour approaches closer to midnight and another day will begin… I feel lost.  I take a few minutes to scrub my body in the shower, hoping to wash away the weekend’s failures, disappointments, and despair.  It wasn’t a horrible weekend that pushed these emotions outward onto this page, but the feeling of abandonment, even when surrounded by those claiming to care.  The anger and anxiety fueled by the emotions of loss are always ever-present but increase in the night hours robbing much-needed sleep.

I have crossed over the high point of life, where Father Time takes more away than he provides.  In youth, you could almost feel invincible with a long road ahead and time on your side.  Now there are fewer adventures ahead than behind me, to a point where reviving the high points of a life’s work seems oddly enough an old movie of someone else filled with hope, drive, and determination.  That young man quick with a joke, a compliment, or even a hug to help another in need.  Confident in direction and choices, willing to face failure head-on to learn, overcome, and improve.

Someone far better than I.  Someone more deserving of happiness, joy, and purpose.  Rather than this empty shell, cursed with medical malfunctions and this aging body struggling in finding a new normal routine.  Between the pills taken daily to slow down my defects and survive with less pain blended with the tragedies of life, the balance isn’t easy with most days chalked up with a big red X.  Aging has a funny way of guiding you into a more precise personal priority list.  I’m not positive these events were created by genetics or, more likely, poor choices of my younger self.  Add in a few battles with cancer, including the war raging inside me now, and it becomes obvious that the days ahead with be those of pain and less joy.

The hole in my heart can never heal and I must find the strength to continue each day without my dearest Scarlet, Lilly Belle, and Bella.  I still have Noel, but she doesn’t always understand me the way Scarlet and Lilly Belle did.  There were not just pets or fuzzy family members, they were my family.  Each had special personality, traits, and mannerisms that gave me hope and the drive to push through the depression.  And now, I’m lost, alone, and without a guide to the other side.  Their unconditional love and devotion were key medicine for long cuddles on the couch crying afraid to fall asleep and reliving those nightmares.

I lost Scarlet on May 15, 2023.  That day, above so many other losses and tragedies, broke the small best pieces of my heart.  I still feel the pain deep in my chest, as if some part was torn away, leaving me knowing I could never be complete again.  I can hear Scarlet’s collar clanking some late nights in the quiet moments alone on the couch.  Or feel her light snoring in bed when I awake from the dark slumber.  I call out her name, but she doesn’t come.  And the aloneness returns like a heavy, wet blanket that keeps me immobile and centered in the black hole of my emotions.

Despite all of that and more, I would never release the beautiful memories we shared and I’m forced to carry the pain intertwined with the moving pictures of the precious moments I cherish of Scarlet.  I believe she is waiting on the other side of death’s door for me.  Scarlet will be there to wipe away the final tear shed as I cross over to the big adventure.

Scarlet was the best part of me and now I’m a hollow shell filled with echos.  I miss her so much each day.

Scarlet was really excited about this Peep Treat from Jamie Jo for Easter. (May 2023)