Signs, Signs… Everywhere Signs
Today has quickly become a day of errands and errors. Almost to the point that I feel an invisible force holding me back from checking off some much needed tasks from my list. How you ever felt like that? The gut feeling you are fighting an ever present unseen foe, hellbent on blocking your progress.
I’ve been feeling out of sorts for more than a little while, with so many aspects of my life spinning fast out of control and finding myself at the end of day exhausted, unproductive, and alone with the struggles. I’m sure everyone has been placed squarely in my shoes at one or more points in their life. So this isn’t meant to be a self pity, look at me post - or any of these entries - but more of a reminder that we are never truly alone and there exist more common ground shared experience than the majority of people will admit.
I accept that much of my life confusion has manifested after cancer radiation treatment, and while the battle of the body continues, losing my mind shouldn’t be a consideration. It’s funny to discover some of the vivid memories I’ve shared with family and friends - Never really happened. It’s just a messed up series of recollections, flashes and moments from different times or across different relationships that somehow congealed into a “real” memory. I laugh most of these “mistakes” off as cancer brain, but the fear inside is real while I struggle to define the real experiences that make up my life or just small unrelated facts strung together to a plausible story. So today, when I saw it, my mind wouldn’t let go.
I’ve travelled Airport Road from Mustang a thousand of times. Probably more. I’m familiar with the exits, the underpasses, the slow on ramps that come bring traffic to a stand still and the road signs. But today, the sign stopped my thought process. I can’t even remember the ideas running through my brain when I spotted the sign. That’s when the day went sideways.
Signs help guide us, provide information and comfort us, assuring all is ok because “You are Here”. So imagine my dismay and disconnect when I should know the contents of this road sign already but couldn’t decipher it traveling at “slightly” higher than highway speeds.
The I-44 split off OK 152. Captured with Fujifilm X-Pro3 with Mamiya-Sekor SX 135mm f2.8
That highway sign stuck in my mind and reminded me of the shortcomings and misdirection of recent life choices. I knew the information on the sign, I knew the direction needed to achieve the destination, I knew what is written on THAT sign. Then my eyes caught it at glimpse and then a stare. I felt lost. I felt afraid. I felt alone.
Don’t worry. I didn’t get lost. I didn’t lose control of the car and crash. Nothing negative really happened other than this feeling that the answer is already known, so pay no mind to the signs along the way, keeping me - or you - from reaching your destination. The largest hurdle in life isn’t the small details, but the general direction one is headed to reach the next stop along life’s highway. But if the next stop isn’t want you were expecting, then change the heading for the next chapter. I’m trying to follow the same advice.
